Axioms of New York City

#12 - Terrorists Want to Hijack Subway Trains

2005-03-31T09:17:00.000-05:00

"If you see something, say something" does not apply to hot, busty blondes when your girlfriend is standing right next to you.

#11 - Taxis Are Only Available At Your Destination

2005-03-28T13:12:00.000-05:00

If you want to take a taxi somewhere, it's more effective to walk to where you're going, get a taxi there (which will only take about 2 seconds) and have him drive around the block.

Because you're not going to get a taxi from where you are

#10 - It's Cheaper to Order

2005-03-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

Average grocery bill for a single meal: $15.83
Average delivery bill for a single meal: $12.52

Even if you tip a few bucks, the only food you can possibly make for cheaper than delivery is Ramen, and it's still not guaranteed to be cheaper.

Credited to Chris

#9 - Your Apartment Is Tiny

2005-03-09T13:38:00.000-05:00

This is your bedroom:

Note how the desk and bed overlap.

#8 - Lane Lines Don't Matter

2005-03-03T10:56:00.000-05:00

It does not matter whether lane lines are painted on the pavement or not. Nobody follows them. especially not the taxis. They will veer into your lane and expect you to share it with them for as long as they deem necessary.

Taxis will also create extra lanes as necessary. It is abnormal to see less than 5 taxis sharing the width of a 2 lane street.

#7 - The Subway Doors Will Close 5 Seconds Too Early

2005-03-02T10:28:00.000-05:00

You will see your train waiting at the station as you enter. As you swipe your Metrocard, the doors will start closing. You will reach the doors less than 5 seconds after they have closed.

Your next train will be in 20 minutes.

Please stand clear of the yellow line

Credited to Lynda

#6 - The Only Parking Spot Within 20 Blocks is Illegal

2005-03-01T16:49:00.000-05:00

You will drive up and down a block for hours looking for a parking spot. When you finally find an open spot, it will be in front of a hydrant, a church, or be 6 inches shorter than your car.

It is not uncommon for churches to suddenly appear in front of open spots while you are backing into them.

#5 - Parking Costs More Than Your Car

2005-02-25T10:06:00.000-05:00

The price structure from most expensive to least expensive is as follows:

Your apartment
Your car parking spot
Your grocery bill
An average family's income in any other area
Your car insurance
Christmas tips for your doorman and staff
An average apartment in any other area

#4 - The Airport You Want is the Most Difficult to Get To

2005-02-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

If it's easier for you to get to LaGuardia, all of your flights will leave from JFK. If it's easier for you to get to JFK, all of your flights will leave from LaGuardia.

If it's equally easy for you to get to both airports, all of your flights will leave from Newark.

#3 - Cross-Town Streets Don't Go Where You Want

2005-02-23T09:54:00.000-05:00

All cross-town streets are one-way, either due to design or traffic. If the street you want to be on goes the direction you want to go, there will be a park between you and your destination.

In the event that the park fails its duties in blocking you, road work or construction crews will assume that role.

#2 - The Wind Blows Harder When It Snows

2005-02-22T19:39:00.000-05:00

The rule of thumb for calculating windspeed is to take the windspeed from just before it was snowing, multiply by the average household size in China (8.2), add 5, then add 3 more for good measure.

For example, today the wind was 2 mph before it started snowing. After it started snowing, the wind increased to (((2 mph) x 8.2) + 5 + 3) or 24.4 mph.

Please note that when combined with Axiom #1, walking outside when it is snowing is not fun.

#1 - The Wind Always Blows In Your Face

2005-02-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

No matter what direction you are walking, the wind is blowing from almost directly in front of you. Occasionally it will taunt you by coming from a slight angle, but this should not be misconstrued as a sign that it will shift (until, of course, you change direction. At this point it will shift to match you).

It is not uncommon to see two people walking opposite directions brush past each other, both leaning forward into the wind.

Suggestions

2005-02-20T19:32:00.000-05:00

I can only post on the rules of the city as I run into them. If you have suggestions for other axioms, throw it in the comments below. If it rings true and I deem it worthy it will be made an official Axiom of New York City.

If it does not pass these stringent guidelines, I will taunt you.